Forgetting is an everyday affair when dementia crawls into a family member’s life.
Conversations with fragile parents with even more fragile memories can be challenging and time consuming. Used to functioning as knowledgeable individuals they do not expect to be challenged or corrected. An yet, as the memory grows weaker and weaker, their comments and recalled memories are often erroneous. Moreover, they often forget that they made a comment and say the same thing over and over. So what to do?
Several years ago I decided not to correct my parents when they made a faulty statement or remind them that they were repeating themselves over and over. It was not worth the trouble and especially not worth the pained or even angry look on their faces when I noted that something was wrong or incorrect.
So most often now, I nod my head when
Visits with my parents have often revolved around doctor’s appointments, trips to the pharmacy, searches for lost items, reminders about how to do things, and lots and lots of discussion about the past. I go through the mail that has accumulated since my last visit, and almost always my mom and I talk about a few fraudulent phone calls that they’ve received We always share a meal together and, if possible, take a short walk — challenging with two people who use walkers. Sometimes in conversation I try to guide them to an accurate recollection of a memory, but at other times I let errant observations about things past pass by without comment.
Growing into older elderhood has so many positives. While my parents’ memories are weaker, social interactions with family and friends are strong. They’ve always loved music and continue to enjoy concerts in their community. Perhaps more importantly, my parents have lived to see their granddaughter graduate from college and professional school. They’ve watched her become a competent professional in her field and marry a wonderful young man. With great enthusiasm they’ve welcomed a great-grandchild. And they will soon celebrate their 70th wedding anniversary — an event that most of us will only imagine.
Yet much about watching two individuals decline feels personal, a sorrowful business that feels like I am gazing through a prism watching my own future. There was the first time I recognized that one or the other did not remember something important or the first time they became confused about an activity. The day each of them began using walkers, and the time when their first spoke about their weakening memories. Then, two years ago they stopped sending their holiday letter — that was big. All of these things
Through all these life events I can’t help thinking about myself. It’s like I am watching my future. When will my memory begin to decline? Will I begin falling?
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